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[1.1.06 - 4.46pm]
Ugh does it really have to be two days until break is over with. Seriously. UGH>
I have so much to do. I hate packing, its so tedious. I use to like it i thought it was "cool".. lol but now its just like i have done it so mcuh that im just speant. Ya know, really its not.. that bad but like i sad before its just tedious and time consuming and it makes me think of leaving my mother. And i dont want to think about that raight now. God, this was just so sudden i mean my dad called today and he's like Oh okay im coming to get the kids now. No like.. warning.. so now i have about 2 hours to get my stuff ready and go and get my self together emotionally. Leaving my mom is always the worst part of this whole thing. And then leaving the kittys, and my pup preseley. Not knowing what to expect when i get home.I still have home work to do..and two peices to learn for solo ensomble. I love learning knewe songs but.. i only have about 4 days.. i think to learn them by.
Yea. Great.
But, hopefully i get through and make it happen I can do it.. righT? Yea, im sasha.

Anyways. Yea i will talk to miss scott mayeb she'll have some ideas.
Im looking forward to the musical.. but its goign to be pretty time consuming, too. Long practices and stuff. all in and im just scared to start school up again, and see all those people.evan and other people, paul and more people. Personaities to deal with. Ya know the whole shlung.
But. I think it will be okay.
Yea im hopin.
"Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying planning and dreaming his kisses will start but wont get you into his hearrrarrt. So if you thinking how great true looooooove iiiiiiiissss. All you gotta do
hug em, and show em that you care... dun dun dun dun.. SHow him that you care.. just for him...
Do the things that he likes to do.. where you hair... juust for him. You wont get wishing and hoping thinking and a praying.." lol
I like that song.. that made me feel better..
So anyways i have to go and get ready to pack because tonight i am going back home.to grosse pointe.. AHHHHHHHH but thats cool
So see ya.
Love, Sash
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[12.27.05 - 1.28pm]
Hello its me. Merry Christmas.
Im at my moms house in Mackinaw just hanging out with the pup and my brother. We are going to go to gaylord today to get some stuff. I really want a paint brush and a new pair of pants. But if i can only get one i want a paint brush. So i got some cool stuff for christmas this year...

an electric guitar
a yoga mat
and then some other stuff but those two are my favorite.
along with my meditation foutain

Im so happy im in Mackinaw and i missed my mom so much Its so nice to see her!
I love it but i have been having really weird dreams that are about her.. having sex with like these guys and me hearing and its just terrible.
But there just dreams, and they are probably just trying to heal my memories from my past.
So i need to take a shower and i cant wait to go swimming soon.
I miss Andrea, but i bet she is having a really good christmas.

I need to send in my application for blue lake, i got a 430 dollar scholarship to go there so and my mom and miss scott said there will be ways i can work out the other costs. So im really excited to do that and have two weeks of doing what i love!!! Byebye birdie is coming up as soon as i get home and then midterms and solo ensomble but im not going to stress. Raight now its break and im just going to relax.
Im going to try playing my guitar in the nude tonight, that might be really relaxing.
I couldnt last night because my mom slept with me. I think she missed me cause she has been laying down with me before i go to sleep it make me really happy and comfortable. I need that.
So anyways my life raight now, equals no boys, one good friend one loving mom two loving spirit guides, a dependable brother one crazy dad and one hot steaming shower.
So talk to you later.
Asta luego
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[12.16.05 - 4.59pm]
My christmas concert is tonight wow i feel really, like.. weird.
Evan is supposably going to go tonight that makes me soo happy. But
He still likes Andrea, and i dont think that will change sadly.
Well i guess this "romantic ideal" is just going to have to be put to an end. I guess i cant like him in any more in lame terms.
so anyways i am going to go an have a wonderful time at my christmas concert im pretty excited.
Im nervous. And i cant believe its almost the holidays its insane. Its like this year has just flown by me. And im going to be a senoir next year.
I just cant believe it.
And so many things have changed. You know i am friends with different people and iv'e lost touch with others, and im persuing my singing carreer and im just like playing my guitar. And im in the musical again you know .. its all going to be okay.Im a little sad raight now because my daiphram seems to be giving out on me for some reason when i sing its like i cant hold enough air. And not be able to sing well makes me said. But still can sing good. Yea so. Evan Bashaaaa and well... the only thing i can say is that i miss people that i havent talked to in a while. And its weird cause i dont feel like i have alot of friends. But i mean the ones i do have are you know pretty good.
But i still just feel lonely out in my own little world. Andi just wonder if someday things will change and i will find what i am meant to do with my life cause raight now im not sure. Bu ti really hope that it just hits me hard like a basball to the head. IM AM LIKE YES THAT IS WHAT I WANT TO DO.
i mean i secretly have something locked inside... but.. that is a secret. and it seems just like a drea.. but if its mean to be i really hope that i comes true.. i really do.
Its an amazing dream.
Anyways, well im going to get ready for my concert and make my bed warm up and play my guitar.. so its been nice talking to you live journal you are a good lisenter.
Love Sasha
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[12.4.05 - 3.24pm]
Hey, UGH.. i want to play my guitar really well and sing really well and ehhhhh its just like.. every time i play i either get like. bored, or frustrated because i cant figure something, ou or a feel like im not good enough singer. And then i fell sad. But i want to be a good guitar player singer, and i want to make my own music, but its like i just want it all to happen now. And i know. IT CANT happen all in one day.. so i must be patient but how do i know when to stop practicing, ya know? I could practice until my fingers are raw and im just sick and tired of music but that would be no good right, raight now i want to play but i have been playing for a while already so i am going to take a break. This is what i want.yup, :) i like knowing what i want but..
But anyways.... yes so im going to go.. i dont know eat a snack or read..
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[12.1.05 - 10.03pm]
my head hurts so bad i need to relax... you know what thats what i am going to do Goodnigh.
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[11.28.05 - 10.04pm]
GOD school is driving me crazy i just have sooo much home work to do. And i have been doing homework since 6:00 for like three hours, i finally quit at 9:30 and i still have a crap load left. I didnt sleep at all last nigh. I hope and better sleep tinight. Seriously its always har though coming back from vacation. My brother fell alseep on the couch.. lol hes cute.. lol
i dont think anything could wake him up raight now. not even a bull dozer.
My friend from Europe emailed me. That was really cool. Im so tired raight now, and i have been tired all day so if anyone reads this.. yea thats why i was like really, um zoned at school. There is some really good pie in my refridgerator and i am just soo tempted to eat some.. its got carmel and choocolate.. mmmmmmmmmmm and apples.
So as for my hernia it hasnt appeared again thats good.
My dads not home. Hes working. IM BORED AND TIRED AND IM SORRY THIS ENTRY IS ............bla
Luv sasha
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[11.27.05 - 12.25pm]
[ mood | confused ]

UGH, i love the pictures from homecoming! I love them. But i know that Aron and i can probably never be, but maybe we could.

I just really liked him, and i dont know if i was completely myself with him. But im sure it wouldnt have mattered if it was the right guy. Im seriously, not going to rush anymore.  I am 17years old and i probably wont find a guy that i will fall in love with and stay with for the rest of my life until i am older.  But one things certain there is something that i need to work out....

 Whenever i date a guy, it always feels like everything else that i have, its just going to dissapear, like everything else that good in my life is going to dissapear. It very weird i know that it wont, but it makes me feel kinda...... scared. Every time i date a guy its like they become my world, and everything else just isn't as important. And seriously thats fine to an extent but i need my own life. I want to feel like he isnt everything to me, i have other things to.  I want to feel independent with out a guy and able to stand on my own feet with out someone having to hold me up.
 Seriously, it feels like  when i am happy, at my happiest, or at least my most secure, a guy comes along, and then i dont feel so secure any more. I think that security fails because i think that he might leave, or go away and then i will feel lonesome again.  Its ironic a little because i was happy to begin with , and a guy should make me happier. I guess its just the fact that im scared they will leave me.

And that has been a problem with me, with everyone that i meet but not everyone will leave, i know that. I mean you just have to love  what you have when you have it. Because things change. But you rnever alone. 

I just need to feel completel with myself before i get a boyfriend.. i just feel impatient i want ti to happen now. But i mean why cant a guy make me feel complete? its so hard to figure out.. i mean when you find that right guy .... he will make you feel complete and .. there wont be any question of him leaving. It will just be okay, and there wont be any doubts.  GOD i hope this is right.. im just kinda guessing here.

But man those pictures of home coming, even though i loved them, they made me really sad, because i like aron.. and i thought i was started to really be myself around him, but maybe subconsciously i was testing him, cause i would be like.... oooh can we go see a chik flick.. and then hed be like yea uh myabe some other time.. maybe he didnt pass my test. lol. But seriously in those pictures i look so happy and i liked, ike him alot. I should probably get over it. So i will. Okay this has been really hard for me all of this, so im going to stop writing all of this.  This is soooooooo lovely. hehehe do you like my pun... kinda.. pun things "lovely"

Well anyways

love sasha.

PS: im writing in grey because its sweet.

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[11.26.05 - 12.46pm]

Mom, she's kinda grumpy today. Russ, her boyfriend, came home last night really late and set off the smoke alarm. I was Trrryyyying to sleep, then he washed dishes, and cooked a grilled cheese sandwich. He knocked over the gate blocking the stair case. Oh yea, at !:00 in the morning. Crazy stuff right? I have to rent Hamlet from family video today, Mrs. Rothenburgh lady in red.....well she told me since i missed monday and tuesday of school i need to rent it over break. Its the Brauna Version, with Kate Windslet, she's so pretty! So im going to cheboygan today with mom. Whos grumpy, and has a toothache. :( Poor mom.

Oh so over break i went to the emergency room, because there was a weird lump on my belly  button. and it hurt really bad!  The doc said that i have an umbilical  cord hernia and i have to get it removed. with surgery :( but i might not have to .... because before i left the doctors office, i pushed it back into its "cell walls" so the lump disappeared but it still hurts. So it could reappear at anytime.

God Dont have a hernia!

Im really pooped out. I cant believe its saturday, two more days and i am back in school.  At this time in school i'd be eating lunch across from a couple of really cute guys that sit in the hallway!

So my thanks giving was okay, i went to my aunt joans for turkey and other stuffing, and  had some pie. Cherry and pumpkin, with vanilla ice cream. Delicous, then i talked to my grandma about boys. I told he all about Aron, the boy i went to homecoming with,

She gave me some good advice and told me not to rush and that he was good enough, and that i'll find some one some day. And she was just grandma, and i love her so much!! She can be crazy, but seriously all relative can.

Yesterday i ate 7 chocolate chip cookies, and an entire bag of popcorn, WHAT? i was hungary.... i went swimming, too for like 2 hours and wow that was cool, the sun was shining down on the water through the windows of the pool room and it made the water look green and sparkily. So i imagined myself floating on my back in a blue lagoon somewhere in costa rica with palm trees at my side hanging over me, and tree leaves falling gentle on the water at my side. It was a beautiful vacation. And i have probably said this before, but swimming is like being reborn again, its like the closest thing you can get to being in a mothers whomb floating in her cytoplasm.

I know i keep changing colors, but there are just so many i want to use them all. My mom got a sweater for her shitzshue. Its really cute, he looks like a scotish doggy, cause the sweater red and plaid. all he needs is some bag pipes ;) and hes set. ahahaha... oh

yea that was a good one, i know! Um, i think i am allergic to cats, so im not going to be able to get a kitten. But maybe its for the best t hough i dont really have very good luck with kittens. I mean you all know last time, i got two kittys that were brother and sister they fell in love and i caught them having sex and the kitched floor That was tramatizing. And then cassie had babys, all over the house.  My eyes are all itchy, its probably better i dont get one. I can just pet cosmo. :) Andreas kitty. Hes such a good kitty.

Well i have to go get dressed guys so ill talk to you later



Ps: my knew favorite color is grey.

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[11.25.05 - 12.00pm]

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 3 people about this game.
andrew is the one that you love.
evan is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about Andrea.
Ryan is the one who knows you very well.
mom is your lucky star.
Dont know why i didnt come is the song that matches with andrew.
ghost is the song for evan.
power of two is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and You set me free is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz
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[11.22.05 - 6.06pm]
<form action='http://www.kwiz.biz/simplesurveys/do-survey.php' method='post' target='_new'><table border=1 bordercolor=#efefef cellspacing=0><tr><td valign=top align=center colspan=2><b><i>Sashas Survey that will rock your socks</i></b><input type='hidden' name='question1' value='Sashas+Survey+that+will+rock+your+socks'><input type='hidden' name='type1' value='2'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>So whats your name?</td><td align=left><b>Sasha</b><input type='hidden' name='question2' value='So+whats+your+name%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type2' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>Its, nice to meet you, when were you born?</td><td align=left><b>April 11 1988</b><input type='hidden' name='question3' value='Its%2C+nice+to+meet+you%2C+when+were+you+born%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type3' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>Fool, i meant how old are you?</td><td align=left><b>17</b><input type='hidden' name='question4' value='Fool%2C+i+meant+how+old+are+you%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type4' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>What did you eat for breakfast?</td><td align=left><b>cereal</b><input type='hidden' name='question5' value='What+did+you+eat+for+breakfast%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type5' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>Was it delicous?</td><td align=left><b>yes it was okay</b><input type='hidden' name='question6' value='Was+it+delicous%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type6' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>When were you at the doctors last?</td><td align=left><b> a week ago</b><input type='hidden' name='question7' value='When+were+you+at+the+doctors+last%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type7' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>Why were you there?</td><td align=left><b>i had bronchitus</b><input type='hidden' name='question8' value='Why+were+you+there%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type8' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>What was your last thought?</td><td align=left><b>im tired</b><input type='hidden' name='question9' value='What+was+your+last+thought%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type9' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>What was the last thing that you said?</td><td align=left><b>haha thats funny</b><input type='hidden' name='question10' value='What+was+the+last+thing+that+you+said%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type10' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td valign=top align=right>What is your favorite kind of cookie?</td><td align=left><b>macadamia nut</b><input type='hidden' name='question11' value='What+is+your+favorite+kind+of+cookie%3F'><input type='hidden' name='type11' value='1'></td></tr><tr><td colspan=2 align=center><input type='submit' value='Take This Survey'><BR><a href='http://www.kwiz.biz/simplesurveys/create-survey.php'>CREATE YOUR OWN!</a> - or - <a href='http://www.kwiz.biz/simplesurveys/paid-surveys.php'>GET PAheID TO TAKE SURVEYS!</a></td></tr></form></table>
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Chilling, In Mackinaw [11.22.05 - 5.10pm]
Brrr, its freezing here. There is snow on the ground, and its all white
frosted oustside. I cant believe its almost December. I came up to Mackinaw
for thanks giving. My mom took today off because she wanted to spend some time
home with my brother Ryan and i. Her and i went to cheboygan today, to urgent care
and she has to get surgery soon on her foot cause the tendens in it are too long,
so they must shorten them! I feel so bad for her, she said her foot doesn't
hurt to bad.
I went to a thrift store today and i bought a couple things, a few wall hangings,
a present for someone, and then my mom bought 5 scraves. lol. I dont know what a
person can do with five scarves, bought they were only fifty cents
But like i tell my mom all the time " even though something is cheap, buying many
will make it exspensive" But here face.... is like.. duhr....uh ok and then she smiles
and walks away, gigling and happy with what she bought.
She's funny sometimes. I had so many things to eat im a eating machine, ...malfunction,
must get food.....
Ok satisfied
Anyways..uh malfunction,.....must ....eat.....pie


Not alot has been happening lately, except i went to the animal shelter today to look at kittens.
Im going to once again try to have a baby kitty, but just one this time. and its going to be fixed,
declawed, spadedd=. ext. But i just oh man i could not for the life of me decide what kitty to get
there were so many and all were so cute. Well my mom bursting my bubble of happy kitty fever,
she says i must bring it back up north in january to get it fixed. But i know my dad wont take me all the way to mackinaw just to get my kitty nuetered. So i got into the musical i am so happy, and the
talent show went good. I miss andrea and school. I should probably go do school work, also im going swimming. So goodbye
Ps: My mom bought a socking for her dog and cat. lol.
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[11.20.05 - 12.02am]
Dear livejournal.
There are two very large peices of poo in the room with me.
Anyways i am in the room at my cousins house, and they are talking to me about
drugs. Its retarted.
Anyways i miss andrea
Andrea if you are reading this i love you you are my favorite person in the world.
Love sasha
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[8.21.05 - 11.29pm]

Hi, i just changed some of my user info, so you should look at it because its pleasant! heeeee.
Its 11:31 i missed 11:11. That is the only time, EVER when you have four digits exactly the same. And i make a wish almost every night, but i missed it tonight.
So what the heck? Now im going to go because im not an internet type person.
Im so looking forward to the coldplay concert. And OMG.
I just cant wait, please help me decorate my room.
Thank you
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[8.21.05 - 3.05pm]
Yes! I learned a knew song on my guitar. Im so proud of me. Im coming home tomorrow.
I am going to miss ryan so much, its hard to let the summer go. Because its been so nice,
and interesting. And iv'e been home so... its been familiar. But im looking forward to a good school year, and i dunno ahh its exciting. Im a junior this year. Im angry at my mom a little because damnit she brings her boyfriend every where we go and eck he makes me feel so uncomfortable and i just whatever. Anyways.
Mmmm its smells like brownies in my house. Yummy :)
i need romemodels this school year, because i need people to look up to to become who i wont to be, people i can depend on. Because i shouldnt have to just depend on myself, but i mean i will, if worse comes to worse.
I met with my european friends and i learned some interesting things about the check republic language.
Like there alphabet is longer then ours its almost similar to the spanish alphabet, only they pronounce there words the way they are spelled. so like peanut, would sounds like.
Pee/ahh/noo/teh/sh. and t is like tch. its weird- im thinking about studing abroad maybe in europe, and studying foriegn international communications.
EEEE im almost a senior. so are you... andrea, and stephanie and david, and jenni(if you still read my journal)
My mom wants to know how to read peoples live journal. She wants to know about things going on in my life. either shes nosey or she cares. She thinks she can read it since "the whole world gets to read it"

but she doesnt understand that its friends only.
Well with that said.
Its been good.

See everyone soon.
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[8.20.05 - 7.50pm]
Im at home.
Living, fortunately. But i ate a bunch of fudge. So, ya.
Im going to go for a ride on my bike with ryan probably to see the horses. I hope to see the horses.
I went shopping and i bought a bunch of clothes. 3 pairs of jeans, and about 5 shirts all shirts cost me at least 30 or 40 dollars. They were pretttty exspensive. I love spending my own money. I have knew school clothes, so thumbs up, and i still need to get a pair of shoes.
This entry is kinda fun! peace love and grease i write more later, about my experience with my european people and with craig.

Oh and everyone who is my friend wich is like stephanie/andrea/david and who ever else who reads my live journal you all should check out Indigo Girls because they have the best harmony and acustic music i've listined to in a long time. And really really really they are Good. they are lesbians.
but there music is sweeeeeeeeeet

Luv sasha
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[8.17.05 - 10.00pm]
OKay i dont want to get mixed up with DAnny anymore. I dont know why because i think he is awsome but im scared to get involved with him. I just dont know if im ready for any kind of relation ship and i dont want to try if i know i am not ready. But see i dont want to regret not trying to be his friend. I am deciding wether or not i want to call him tonight. I just dont know i have nothing better to do and i want to call him a little cause i want to maybe hang out with him. But i dont know i really know if i want to hang out with him. Like i said because im afraid if i hang out with him that i'll get attached to him, or that i will regret hanging out with him. Because maybe it could ruin some chance we have together in the future but that wouldnt make sense because he shoulld like me no matter what. I just really dont know if i want to call him and thats okay too right its not like tonight is the only night that i will ever get to talk to him.
I totally felt like i made a fool of myself tonight at work because i "jammed: with nick but i had no idea how to jam so instead we just played songs we knew, and i showed him a few songs that i wrote. And he showed me a song he wrote but. i dunno it seemed like he and i didnt connect, actaully we did connect but i dunno it didnt seem like he liked me. Wich really sucks because i think he is sooo cute.
WHATEVER god what happened to okay no boys for a year.
YA no-no-no boys for a year. Just because its all abou me But now i want to call Danny. Because i dont want to regret not calling him and hes so nice i just need a guy in my life it seems like.
So i am going to go shoot pool with my Uncle Al. And go to bed Maybe i will call Danny tomorrow night.
or tomorrow during the day. Im scared that if i dont call tonight i might not talk to him.
im anxious about calling him i want to and i dont want to. I want so why not just do it, just cause i am tired and not feeling like m yselfand i dunno i dont want to call him and get all attached cause i feel like i need a guy in my life and i dont want to call him because i dont know if i can trust him. But i mean i guess this would let me know if i could i dont want to be dissapointed. Cause im tired, of it. and i just have a feeling like its going to be dissapointing. But really i have no i dea.
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[8.12.05 - 10.43pm]
I love Peanut butter. I took a jar of it in my bedroom and Have been eating it with my fingers.
Yea, maybe peanut butter is like my substitute for ice cream. Cause you know somtimes you'll see those movies with teenage girls who are moping over something in there life, and eating a ice cream from the carton with a spoon,(wich is very good props to them) well forget the spoon and add some peanut butter.
Anways, im home again. In Mackinaw city. Yea i got home and i went on the internet. Checked my "daily horoscope" and sighed, smiled and smotherd some peanut butter on a peice of celery and now im writing in my livejournal. My living journal, full of all my thoughts. My fun interesting beautiful thoughts, that never leave me alone!! I havent slept for two weeks. the most sleep i have been getting, is about an hours worth every night. My brain feels like its expanding. All these thoughts are making it heavy.
Im so nervous for school. And Im so nervous about living in Grosse Pointe.
About living with my dad, his mouth never stops.He continues to talk until well untill he has nothing to say wich is usuallu never. He always has something to say. Probably because he hasnt had much of a family, or many friends to listin to him. So he just saves everything he wants to say for me. OW. There was a sharp shooting pain in my occipital lobe. Reallllllly. My dad is so hard to be around. He'll talk even if your not listing. He just needs someone to listin. Ergahlagul.Weepdoowhoo.
I know he loves me, but he needs me to love him more. I cant love him more though. I cast take care of him. Its not my job, and i shouldnt have to.I work tomorrow at eight.
And i was thinking about something concerning Danny. Yes Danny again! But.... its helpful to write these things down. Anways, iv'e realize i cant be obssesed like this with one boy but he inpires me to follow my dreams because he's going off to colloge to become a pilot and he's never even flown a plane before. And i just think thats great and that makes me want to work harder towards my dreams.
And i mean i guess i really hope we meet up again in the future. and i know this might sound weird but like i have been putting pressure on myself to follow my dreams, because i want to meet up with him. and i feel like the only way i can be with him or meet with him again is if i follow my dreams and become a famous singer/guitarist. And that might be a little extreame, cause i dont need to put pressure on myself because if its meant to be know matter what i decide it'll probably happen. I dont know is that bad to want so badly to be famous? I dont even know what fame is really. So why do i want it so badly. Or need it so much. That would deffinetly be alot of pressure. I mean i think this is pressure.
In grosse pointe i feel like that is what i have to do. But maybe that is just what i want to work towards. Isnt that a really big goal though? I mean.. geeze.. and most famous muscians.. are like"oh, yea ive never really wanted to be famous.. or ever expected this" blah.. blah and maybe they havent. But like this is almost something i know for sure that i want. I want to be a romodel for girls and boys, musicians and people. I want to relate to people all over the world through my music. Yes, i would like to make a living doing that, earning money. At least that is how i feel raight now but id really like more experience before i really decide if thats what i want to do.
Anways that is alot for tonight.
OHHH my dog, my mommys dog, was so happy to see me whn i came home he was just so bouncy and happy and engergetic, it made me smile in my stomache. :D Im so happy. Goodnight.
Peace Sasha
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[8.5.05 - 2.36pm]
I have decided that instead of focusing on all things i have left to do before i die.. and all the things that i want to do in the future. Im just going to live. I dont need to be so worried and preoccupied with thinking of the things that i havent done, or wish i would have done or still have left to do. I have been so worried because i dont know what the future holds for me and i dont feel like im doing good enough, like i should be doing soemthing more with my life, then just living it the way i want. And honestly i use to think i didnt really know what i want. But i do. I want to be happy. And even if that means that i am not maybe as sucessfull in music or art, liek some of my friends are really. I am. Because i ahve come a long way. And as long as its something i love to do than it doesnt matter how known i am or how famous. I love my friends, and my brother and i love myself. That is what matters, and i would really like to learn to accept the things in my life as what they are. And when something good happens id like to accept that its going to be good and believe that it will only get better. Because it will cause life only gets better from here.. because i have gone through alot and deserve to be happy. I dont need to worrys about not being good enough, or falling behind. Im fine just the way i am. And if i am lonely because i am not "popular" with friends, or im not recognized by people as someone awsome and doing so well in accomplishing her dreams, well then that okay, thats just fine. Because i know i have been working hard. And wether or not i am self conscious, or the most self confident person in the world.. im trying, and whatever i am wether its hsy or not that should be good enough. And i am going to put myself out there more.. because i would reather live being a self conccious good hearted person and trying to be happy, then being a self condient popular famous person who doesnt really know themself. I wouldnt mind being all these things, but im learning that doesnt have to be the most important thing in the world.
Raight not i am figuring me out. And im finding out that i dont really need to try so hard, because i have known myself all along, and honestly have been getting better with every year becoming more confident.
And poeple should respect me for that. And i shoudl respect myself for that.
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[8.3.05 - 10.09pm]
I didnt sleep again last night. I tossed and turned in hot sweaty sheets until 5:00 am, i finally fell asleep for an hour and had a weird dream about being in New York City and wearing a purple winter
columbia jacket that blew off me and into this huge yard near a lake, that had one tree and a gigantic
two story house. I was walking down the side walk trying to find my coat, cause i dont think i wanted to go looking for it near the house. It was someone elses house.
My dream was all very mysterious.
Anyways i eventually went near the house looking for my coat.
It didnt seem like anyone was home, so i walked closer to the house searching along the bottom of it, thinking my coat had landed near the bottom bricks that seperated the downstairs of the house and the basement.
I looked a while, all the time feeling really comfortable and excited, and rebelious. I was very relaxed i remember there was a breeze and the sun was out and the grass looked not bright green, like on a hot hot summer day but like a mellow, dull green. It was evening time. Ans the sun was still really bright.
Anyways i walked passed a huge dark window, and i glanced inside, and there were a few shadows, and i wasnt sure if they were moving, so i kept walking. Then a man came out of the house with his wife, and said something like " im looking for my coat it flew off me" and he and his wife invited me to dinner. And they had a son, two of them. And they both payed no attention to me. I was a little, sad, because on of them was very cute, but i didnt mind to much because the mom and dad were so nice. :)
I woke up a little after that. I think i found my coat in the end.

It was a good dream. Ya, Huh.
Anyways im going to bed and hopefully this time before i go to sleep i wont here
me-" Hello, can i help you with anything?"
customer-"um yes, id like a chocolate slice, a peanut butter, and a vanilla,"
me-"okay will that be all"
Customer"Yes thank you, can i have them individually wrapped"
Me"sure seperate boxes then,?"
Me-"your total will be 15 dollars and 95 cents"

Working at Joans is has been haunting me dreams... this replays in my head before i sleep.
Dancing fudge peices.
HUH....Well im going now, i have been reading the Harry Potter Book, yes, yes, people who think that Harry Potter is plot to destroy all human life on this planet. But i like it.
Its a fun read.
Anways im going to bed or at least, go excersise, because i ate some fudge and its suffercating my heart.. ahh. Peace Y

And Andrew thing why does it keep coming back to him every guy that i meet never lives up to Andrew i always go back to him, to our relationship, and when ever there is a boy that i start to meet...i dunno i compare him.. Ya know what with danny i liked him but i didnt like him tooo much. I saw Andrews grandma yesterday at a garage sale she said he is going back to det. Ya know what though i just need to get over him. I know i do. But it isnt healthy it doesnt seem healthy to me to be worrying about boys at all exspecially when im under enough stress with decide to come home or live in Detroit.
this is all too much to handle raight now. I just want to relax.
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[8.2.05 - 2.52pm]
i dont really have much to say except i have been trying to figure things out for a long time. And i dont feel like i am getting anywhere. Hm honestly i dont know what to say. Its like i know that i want to better myself, i want to make it so i can live life everyday and be happy in it. But i just dont have the strength. I dont know where to begin, i never really have. Im tired, and feeling lazy, and upset and i just dont really care too much. I know this all sounds lame, but i feel terrible for it.
I wishi was strong, and good, and happy, i wish i could jump up to the clouds and float around outside on an imaginary bubble, but it just doesnt feel possible for me. I hate feeling this way, but when everything around me shows me that i cant accomplish things its tough and really vise versa too. When there are opprotunitys opened up to me and there are people and things that are throwing themselves at me i go for it usually, but raight now, im stuck.
Because i get stuck in descision making and when there isnt any one aroudn that i feel completely comfortable with talking to then its really hard to make me descions. But its time that i face up and realize that i have to make descions my entire life and sometimes its only going to be me that makes them. And i need to just accept that. Its so hard and im so sad that i feel the way i do. Because it would just be so much easier to haev some one make the decision for me. But honestly when has that ever happened and how often are those people truly happy.
There will be two column here one for Mackinaw City and One for Gross Pointe, these two will help me decide whether i will stay living in Grosse Pointe, or wether i will stay in Mackinaw.

Mackinaw City(resons to stay)
-Mom, shes okay, i mean she's probably better then my dad but, shes almost as bad, shes like a teenager(a gossipy, vallygirl complaining teenager at that) and i should just accept that.
-Ryan hes my only family
-I have people that i know here
-My life feels like it started here and it should end here
-Its beautiful here
-i feel like i need to be here i dont know why
- i have a few friends here (not any one i can really depend on)
-i could start all over again

Reason i should leave Mackinaw:
- here i feel like image is a major issue
-its so gossipy (mackinaw city is the center of gossip and labels)
-My Aunt and My mom might brain wash me
-Here i feel unkown( i dont have anything going for me here)
-My guitar lessons are in Detroit
-sining lessons are in Detroit
-Education is better
-Ms. Weber is there
- Andrea
-Choir(wish is okay but i feel like i have alot to live up to)
-I felt like i have started a Dream down there

Reasons why i should stay in Grosse Pointe:
- i have been doing so well down ther
- i have been working hard
-Schools better
-Teachers are better
-Im probably healthier( if my dad would only stopp buying my deriotos and junk food snaks, and clean up after himslef)
-Guitar Lessons
-Voice lessons
-Maybe my dad could teach me more stuff on guitar
-maybe it would make me independent and prepare me for college.

Reasons why i should leave Grosse Pointe:
I feel totally alone
my dad makes me afraid of guys
My dad is scary and unmanagable
Very dirty
I dont have alot of control at home with him
I dont get some things that i need
he makes me feel guilty
terrible all inside.
you never know what to expect with my dad ( really nice one day next day turn on you)

Either way there is going to be struggles i just need to find out wich one is easiest and safer, and healthier to live in.
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